The Point of No Return

I am very lucky in that my current apartment has four (count ‘em, four!) closets that I have all to myself for storage and clothing. So it should come as no surprise that each and every one of them is bursting at the seams. OBVIOUSLY!

I went through them a week or two ago and culled out some of the clothes that are too big for me or that I no longer wear. I ended up with a giant tupperware-full. My closet now consists primarily of shirts, dresses, skirts and pants that are S, XS, size 4 and 6. Shirts that were tight on me a year or two ago are now super baggy.

It’s hard to explain how mind-blowing this is. I’m not used to thinking about myself as a tiny person. (Short, yes. Tiny, no). But I love it. I’m not at the finish line yet, but it’s in sight and I know how to get there. I realize that reaching my weight loss goals won’t mean that I magically transform into some perfect version of myself. In fact, that’s the last word I’d ever use to describe myself.

I also realize that holding on to larger-size clothing is related to a subconscious fear that I might (for lack of a better word) regress and need them again one day. Here’s the thing– I’m NOT on a diet. I’m not taking some gross pre-made food or shakes. I’m not attending a weight-loss center. I’m not counting points or calories. I’m not denying myself booze or chocolate or bread. I AM exercising. I AM changing what I eat and how I think about food. This is a lifestyle change. And as such, I’m not going to keep this clothing safety net around, so Goodwill– you’re going to be getting a huge donation soon. Enjoy.

Battle Scarred

I’m battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be
-A Fine Frenzy

Trying to get back to a better mental head space. Back in the game. This is so exhausting already.

April 19, 2013

*I’ve been posting occasionally over the past few days so I can remember what has been happening. It’s been an intense week.

After my last post yesterday, I was pretty stir crazy after having been cooped up inside all day. At the same time I felt nervous about venturing outside. While I was fairly sure that Suspect #2 was either still in Watertown holed up somewhere or had already slipped through the cracks and was far away, you really never know. So when I saw that local Brookline businesses were tweeting they would be open, I decided to wait for the Governor’s press conference to see what the latest updates would be.

Around 6 pm the city lifted the shelter-in-place and transportation bans, and I immediately headed to The Publick House for a much-needed drink with friends. The bar was packed with people, a nervous tension and energy in the air. Everyone was on their smartphones, constantly checking for updates. I couldn’t stop refreshing my Twitter feed to see if there were any news.

In the middle of one such refresh, I noticed posts on shots fired in Watertown. Things quickly progressed from there and we followed along on Twitter as the drama unfolded, and was finally resolved on that boat in a Watertown backyard.

Spontaneous cheers, applause, and chants of “USA” broke out in the bar. The Publick House almost immediately responded by playing Dirty Water, Sweet Caroline, and Shipping Up to Boston. Everyone was smiling and singing along. The sense of communal relief was palpable. We ordered another round of beers and toasted to the police, the first responders, the doctors, and to Boston. It was incredibly emotional; I felt overwhelmed with love for my city.

It is not over. Our world will not be the same. We still need to find out why these people perpetrated such a horrible crime against our city and the innocent Marathon bystanders. There is still a lot of work to be done. I hope that this sense of togetherness, love for each other, and community can persist in the days to come.

The Power of Positive Thinking

It has been a rough few weeks here at the homestead. Lots of shit going down. Not many people know this about me, but even though I am by nature a very cheerful and optimistic person, I tend to get into depressive funks every few months… nothing seems like it will go right… I get super emotional over nothing… get taken over by crying jags for no apparent reason… am tired and in a bad mood all the time… depressed.

I’ve been experiencing all this and more lately. It’s hard because I don’t know why these funks start, and I don’t know how to get out of them– beyond just letting them run their course. I can’t imagine that it is healthy for my mind or my body to wallow in this kind of depression, however. All this negativity has just been building up and up and up.

I don’t have any answers at the moment. I don’t know if things will get better any time soon. I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop myself from getting teary at the drop of a hat. But I do know that I’m going to try visualizing what I want. I’m going to try for some positive thinking. Maybe the attempt to think good things will happen will actually spill over into real life. Or at the very least, help me dig myself out of this hole I’m in.

I coulda been a model

I was at the gym the other day and picked up one of the many celebrity magazines to distract me from my workout. The cover article was about people who had lost large amounts of weight. To my surprise I realized that some of the women profiled in the article were about my height and my (current) weight. While most of them had lost considerably more weight than I have, it was kind of eye-opening to realize that women who looked like me and had comparable body types were being applauded for the way they looked.

That might sound weird but, I’ll admit– most days I look in the mirror and I don’t see much difference in the way I (think I) look now and the way I looked 30 lbs ago. Now, realistically I know there are differences. I can tell this from my clothing, from the way my body feels, and from the compliments I’m getting from my co-workers nearly every single day. (By the way, my co-workers are the best.) However, my mental image hasn’t quite caught up to this new me. Looking at the magazine, I think I need to start reconciling this discrepancy between the physical and the mental me.

Milestone

My health has had ups and downs over the years. In fall of 2011, I was very unhappy. I had gained a lot of weight during grad school, I felt old and tired, my joints were aching, it was hard to go up stairs, and I just didn’t feel good about myself.

So, I decided I had to do something about it. I started a Couch 2 5K program. I walked a 5K. It started getting colder, so I joined a gym. I ran a 5K. I started seeing a trainer. I ran another 5K.

I had a slight setback when I had the DVT/PE. But it really brought home the importance of good health, and made me sit back and reassess my life. I started seeing a nutritionist. I started really getting serious about the gym. I ran yet another 5K.

I made it through the holidays without gaining any weight (compared to a few years ago where I definitely gained at least 10 pounds in a period of a few weeks). And now I’ve hit a major milestone for me– I’ve lost 30 pounds in the last year! I still have a little ways to go until I hit a healthy range for me. But I’m back to where I was before I started school, and I feel a million times better.

It’s been hard work. It’s not easy. It’s just as much a mental as it is a physical process. But sometimes hard work pays off!

First Dates Are So… Interesting?

I should know, I’ve been on enough of them that I should add ‘expert in online dating’ to my LinkedIn profile.

Maybe not.

Going on a Second Date this weekend. It’s kind of exciting/nerve-wracking/scary/fun all at the same time.

It’s been a long time since my last second date. Actually, almost exactly a year. Last year I was miserable, unhappy with the way I felt and looked and lived. This year I consider myself a work in progress– there is still progress to be made, yes, but I feel like a totally different person. I feel younger, cute, fun, confident, happy, and optimistic. It’s a pretty good mental headspace to be in.

Happy New Year!

I’ve spent the first day of 2013 searching for and finding lost items. About twenty different items, all told. I don’t know if this is going to be a theme for the year or not, but if so at least I ended up finding everything I lost… eventually. I also spent the day with friends, relaxing, and fixing things that were broken. I think that is a good theme for this year: fixing what’s been broken. It’s something I tried to start working on last year. If anything, 2012 was the year that broke. 2013 is going to be all about picking up the pieces and making something new and better out of them. I have high hopes for you, 2013. Please don’t let me down.

Woosh

I ran a 5K last weekend. The Miss Santa 5K, which I ran last year, and which was the first ‘real’ 5K I ran. I started running again in preparation for this year’s race a few weeks ago, but prior to that I hadn’t run since April. Oh, also I was pretty jet lagged, having just flown back from the West Coast the night before.

Let’s just say I didn’t have super high hopes.

Let’s also say that I BLASTED my way through this race! I ran the whole thing without stopping to walk once, and shaved nearly FOUR MINUTES off my last 5K time from April. Four minutes! Ridic! I finished with a time of 33:52 (exactly 5 minutes better than my 2011 time), a 10:50 pace and was in the middle of the pack of runners (compared to last year when I was one of the last people to finish). Not too shabby.

I’m pretty proud of myself right now. It’s been an asshat of a year but it’s events like this that make me realize how far I’ve come.

Celebratory

This post is a few days late, but better late than never. As of last Saturday I am finished with taking my medication for the DVT/PE I suffered back in June. WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!