I’ve been listening to this song, by Ingrid Michaelson, quite a bit lately. I’d like to be OK.
I’m at a conference in DC this week, and during a moment of downtime realized that it’s been almost a month since I checked in here. So yeah. Hello.
There are some topics that have been kicking around my head lately… who knows if I will write more on any of these topics, but here’s what I’ve been thinking about:
-Dating and how it sucks.
-Why we crave honesty when we don’t get it, yet reject it when we do.
-How to maintain a friendship when someone repeatedly doesn’t return your phone calls but manages to find time to post on various social media sites.
-If Facebook is making us all self-absorbed unhappy people, constantly striving to present an image of success and positivity to the world.
-How to ask for emotional support without sounding whiny.
-How to be vulnerable and not have it backfire on you.
-How to come to terms with not always being in control.
-How to be happy.
-If this blog is the right place to discuss any of this.
I’ve written before about how, for the past year, I’ve been seeing a nutritionist weekly. However, when I moved to a new apartment in the beginning of September my nutritionist and I decided to take a break.
This is not a bad thing! But we decided that– what with my crazy schedule, along with where I was with my eating routine, I didn’t need to keep seeing her every week. So I took a month and a half off and went back to see her last night for the first time since the end of August.
The bad: Only down 1 lb since our last meeting. BUT I have less than 10 lbs to go (the last 10 lbs are the hardest for sure), and I am super psyched to have not GAINED anything.
The good: Although there wasn’t much movement on the weight front, I managed to decrease both my BMI and my body fat percentage! I am only 0.3 away from being in the ‘normal’ BMI range. Last year I was literally off the charts. And now I’m in the ‘average’ body fat percentage range.
So all in all, it was a pretty good check in! I am excited to have made it to this next stage of my lifestyle journey– no more food tracking, no more weekly meetings. There is still some work to be done. I need to get back into the gym, for starters! But it is empowering to see that I can live my life and not gain back the weight I worked so hard to lose. When I first started this journey 1+ yrs ago, I told myself that this was going to be a total lifestyle change. And it has been, and is.
I started seeing my trainer regularly. I started going to a nutritionist. I ran. I gave up pizza. (Mostly). I tried to give up booze and french fries (that didn’t work quite as well). I quit my biggest trigger food (Cheez-Its) cold turkey. I stopped taking cream in my coffee. I started going to the gym. I walked. I scooped my bagels. I cooked vegetables with strange names. I did a lot of squats.
I lost 40 pounds, 2 inches off my bra band, 3 jean sizes, 4 dress sizes, and some achy knees.
I still struggle with a lot of things in my life– not only actions but feelings and emotions. I feel extremely guilty because I don’t go to the gym nearly as often as I should. It is not second nature to me to get exercise regularly. I still hate to run. I’d much prefer to sit on the couch and watch Netflix or read a book. I have flabby arms and there’s no way you’d ever see me in a bikini — at least not this summer. I drink too much. I eat a lot of bread. A lot. I still feel really overweight. When I look in the mirror I see the unhappy, heavy ‘me’ from last year. When I look at pictures I immediately focus in on my flaws. I don’t like it when people tell me how tiny I am, because part of me doesn’t believe them– yet I crave recognition of my hard work. I don’t believe guys when they tell me I look cute or hot, so I’m always assuming the guys I date are liars. I don’t pick up the appropriate clothing sizes in the dressing room because I haven’t come to grips with the fact that I am actually smaller than I used to be. I have spent a fortune on belts. Items of clothing that I’ve been saving for years as my ‘skinny outfits’ are now too big on me, because I missed the window of opportunity in which to wear them. I don’t know how to respond when people compliment me on how I look so I get awkward.
So it’s with definite mixed emotions that I looked at my scale this afternoon and saw a number I’ve heretofore only dreamed of. 40 is such a nice, round, pretty number. It seemed so unattainable last year. It’s exciting, yet scary at the same time. I always thought that life would be so much better once I got to this point. It’s not that life is better or worse… I just face different challenges now than I did before. And that’s a lesson that I am still internalizing. So I am excited. Very, very excited. I’m tired, because there is more work to do and I don’t know where this journey ends. And in all honesty, I’m a little scared. But mostly excited.
How is it that I’m still single when I get guys telling me that I’m (direct quote here) “ridiculously awesome and like the hottest woman in Boston”…? Just wondering.
So, it’s weird. I’ve lost a fair amount of weight over the past year. Enough that I am able to go, pick up a size S dress from a sidewalk sale, buy it without trying it on, take it home and have it fit perfectly. I mean, literally perfect. Love that this is my new reality.
When I was a senior in college, I applied for a puppeteering job. [Is puppeteering even a word? Well, it is now]. I made it to second round interviews and things were going swimmingly. Until my interviewer asked me how tall I was.
I was too short to be a puppeteer.
It was heartbreaking. They wouldn’t even let me try out, wearing platform heels. Sad, sad day.
So it was with a certain mixture of feelings the other day that I realized that I was TALLER than the guy I was on a date with. I mean, for someone who’s 5’1 and 3/4 (can’t forget the 3/4) that doesn’t really happen very often. Or, at all, really. I felt gargantuan. I could look down on his head! I felt bad that I hadn’t worn flats! I felt so tall!
I think I prefer being a shorty.
I came across these two signs at TJ Maxx today and although I’m sure they were mass produced in a factory somewhere, I actually really feel like both signs exemplify how I try to live my life. So of course I took a shady picture (super bad quality unfortunately) and am rewriting here. I don’t know the origins of the lines for credit purposes. But they really spoke to me. (Not literally. That would be crazy).
Call an old friend
Take big chances
Make a new friend
Smile at a stranger
Live for today
Push fear aside
Never look back unless you are planning to go that way
I don’t get it… What am I putting out there that makes guys think it’s ok to treat me like shit? Is there some kind of signal or pheromone I give off? I don’t like game playing but it’s really hard when it seems like everyone else is all in and I have no idea what the rules are… And I’m fucking up, big time. I thought I was supposed to be myself and put myself out there, take chances. Getting harder and harder to do that when it seems like every time I open up I just get a smack across the face from the universe. I just don’t get it.
Weekends spent with friends
Watching little kids rock it out
Crossing things off the to-do list
Third dates with cute boys