Dating Files #3

This is a mini-epic of a post. Settle in.

I spent yesterday wandering around Somerville Open Studios. I’d wanted to check out the Artisan’s Asylum which promised robots. I mean, who wouldn’t want to hang out with robots?? Plus it was a gorgeous spring day in the city and I wanted to get the heck out of Brookline.

In a random turn of events, I ended up spending most of my day with my most recent ex {does he count as an ‘ex’ if we barely dated for 3 months? Whatever, yes} … I hadn’t talked to him since we broke up but he called me a few days before and for some reason I agreed to get coffee with him. That somehow turned into us getting lunch and spending several hours looking at art together.

OK yes. It was a little weird. In all honesty I am still not really sure how I feel about the whole situation. I had really strong feelings for this guy and the way he treated me was very douchebag-esque. It hasn’t been a good month or two for me on the personal side. I’m still upset and angry about certain things that happened. On the other hand, I had a lot of fun with him and we are interested in a lot of the same things. Even given my conflicted feelings towards him, I still enjoyed hanging out with him yesterday. It wasn’t the same as before, of course. I feel like I (have to) have my guard up around him.

So, are we friends? I don’t know. I’ve never been friends with an ex. Do I still want this guy in my life? Also, not sure. Many of my friends have been urging me to just cut all communication with him, and maybe I should. But maybe things happen for a reason and I just don’t know what that reason is right now. Clearly, I’m still confused. That’s OK. It’s OK to be confused. I am allowed to work through these feelings.

After we parted ways I headed over to get dinner in Davis Square with friends and their cutie-pie 2 year old. While catching up and stuffing ourselves silly with sushi, I regaled them with tales from the tragi-comedy that is my current dating life: The Carpenter {nice, talented, but no attraction on my part} … 26 Year Old Graffiti Artist {cute, ‘wild’, but a total flake} … Tattooed Chef {such a tough schedule} … Software Engineer {I think he has Asperger’s}

A random guy had come in and was waiting near our table for his take-out sushi order. At one point, as I was describing my ridiculous series of exchanges with Software Engineer {sample: “feel free to call or text me anytime. Except for when I’m driving. Or working. Or…”} he butted in and asked if SE’s name was Jonathan by any chance, since it sounded like I was describing his brother. I laughed and said no, and we bantered briefly. I continued to chat with my friends about dating, pretty frankly. {Example: Guys, if a girl texts you and says she’s tipsy, that is an INVITATION TO CHAT!!! Don’t just tell her you had cheese and bread for dinner and then cut off all communications.}

Finally sushi guy’s order came. As he was leaving he broke into our conversation yet again to tell me that I sounded “fantastic” and that if I were 7 years older, he would ask me out himself. I was pretty much taken by surprise {um, dude was totally eavesdropping on me say what?}, so I didn’t do much beyond laugh and thank him, and then he took off. I will say though, he wasn’t that much older than me– maybe mid 30s? So I’m not really sure how young he thought I was. Either way, it was a great compliment from a stranger. Yes, as I think back over what I was saying about the dating gallery, I’m slightly embarrassed {the phrase “he’s just a distraction” comes to mind… also, “I’m keeping him on the back burner” … “I don’t have a type. I just want someone cute to make out with”… and “he hasn’t owned or watched TV in 10 years– what on EARTH are we going to talk about?!”…}. Haha.

But there was an example of me being me, and someone responding to it. I have to hope that at some point I will eventually find a super awesome hot guy who can actually talk about his feelings who thinks I’m awesome as well, without any need for compromise or changes or tears on either side.

Awkward

So, I met with the ex today. It wasn’t something I really wanted to do. But, after the great computer fiasco of 2013, I discovered that I was missing one of my Office CDs and I’d thought he might have it. He didn’t, but he wanted to meet up anyway so we could exchange some small items we both still had.

I was kind of nervous about the meeting. That’s what obsessive viewings of the Investigation Discovery channel will do to you. But it was fine. He came up, we exchanged items (kind of weird, because he was giving me things he’d bought for me back when we were still together), and made some awkward small talk.

Then he asked if I’d eaten yet, and I panicked and said ‘no, but I have plans.’ Um yeah, my plans involved take out from Rod Dee and a movie On Demand. He took off and I watched him leave from my living room window.

It was only later that I realized that he’d changed out of his work clothes, shaved, put in his contacts, and had probably been hoping for more than our brief interaction ended up being. It made me feel bad. But also, there was a reason it didn’t work out between us and seeing him again confirmed that it’s better that we’re not together.

Of Exes and Twitter Revelations

So, through the magic of Twitter and Facebook I have discovered that a guy I used to date is now married. [This is not the first time this has happened].

This is a guy for whom I fell hard, head over heels like a pinwheel. I’ve never felt the way I did about him about anyone else. We had instant chemistry… I’ll admit, I was pretty obsessed with him.

This is also a guy who was a royal jerk [why is this such a theme with me?]. He told me to my face that I was second best and he was only spending time with me because the girl he was really interested in didn’t want him. Nice, huh. Needless to say, I didn’t like hearing that [who would?] and even though it was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do, I broke it off with him.

I used to fantasize about running into him randomly, and he’d be shocked to see me, and he’d instantly regret that he was so dumb, and he’d be so sorry he treated my amazing and fabulous self so poorly. That is, until I actually DID run into him randomly this one time in the customs line in India. After I’d flown almost a full 24 hours halfway around the world, was sweaty, gross, wearing my glasses, and was also nearly 30 lbs heavier than the last time I’d seen him. No joke, I spent the entire time in line holding up a piece of paper to shield my face. It was utterly embarrassing. A romcom gone horribly wrong.

Nevertheless, I still had some kind of vague interest in him and would hope that he was alone and dateless, just like me. But I guess I have to end that fantasy of mine, now that I’ve scrolled through his wedding pictures [to the girl he was really interested in, all those years ago... Yeah]. It’s a little surprising how much it hurts to have to let go of that little curl of vague hope. I’m not upset that this guy is no longer available– in the end, he was a huge asshole and broke my heart. I’d never want to put myself through that rollercoaster of emotions twice, and anyone who thinks they can tell me I’m second best and get away with it has another thing coming. But I’m kind of sad that my fantasy is over and I must put it to rest.

Have you ever run across an ex and felt regrets when the reality no longer matched the picture in your head?