Just because tomorrow is a city-wide snow day doesn’t mean I’ll sleep with you. Ugh sometimes guys are the worst.
Why is it that the minute someone becomes slightly unavailable, my interest level skyrockets?
“YP” messaged me early in the year. His email stood out because he seemed to genuinely want to get to know me as a friend first, and then see if we might be (romantically) compatible later on. It is not the easiest thing in the world to make new friends at this point in my life, so I started emailing with him.
YP pulled a Fade on me. I last heard from him in February of this year. Flash forward to a few days ago, when he popped up out of the blue. Surprise, surprise.
He claimed that he got sick of the site so he never got back to me. Fair enough, except for the fact that OKC allows me to see when other users are active. So — false.
I didn’t bother to respond. Apparently one day of no response was much too long for him because I just got another email tonight: “Soooo???”
My response: “No thank you.”
Sometimes you just have to be straight with these dudes.
True story. This email is completely unedited. From “twofriends4fun”. At least they were polite…?
“Hi there…so this is totally out of the blue and I really hope I don’t offend you…we are two friends …one is 29 named A and other 34 of whom you see the pix named J…AJ recently single..he is mixed but tall dark handsome and a very good lover haha…J is a hottie as you can see…those may or nay not be our regular names haha but I hope you understand we wanna be discreet…we came to the realization that we are two sexual people and wanted to share some experiences…we’ve wanted to do a threesome with a woman for a while and are finally putting it out there..you are so pretty so I couldnt resist…we are just a normal fun couple of guys looking for a friend and maybe some good times together
I hope I didn’t offend you…last thing we want is to make online dating an awful experience for you so my apologies….you are too cute so we couldnt resist
Thanks for your time and we would love to talk but if not sorry again and best of luck
A and J”
I haven’t posted one of these in a while.
So there was the time that I went out with Polyamorous Man. I actually didn’t realized he was poly when I originally messaged him, nor was I particularly interested in dating him. However, he mentioned that he was involved in blues dancing on his profile and I wanted to know more about that. So I wrote him, and he wrote back to me. One thing led to another, he asked me out, I said yes. I was pretty sure he wasn’t my type but sometimes you just need to say YES to the universe, if only to get a hilarious story!
I met up with PM at the local ice cream place on a Sunday afternoon. He walked in the door and I right away knew that my cute date outfit was going to be wasted on this guy. He wasn’t ugly, but neither did he have any sort of dynamic personality. He was just sort of blah, in a weird pasty white pudding way. He also lisped.
As the date progressed he started to make vague references to his ‘kink’ and ‘fetish lifestyle’. At this point I’d realized that he was poly. In all honesty that’s not something I’m particularly interested in. But I figured I’d roll with it and see what happened. Things got kind of awkward when he started talking about FetLife, we were suddenly surrounded by 10 screaming children covered in melted ice cream and sugar, and he stated that it was probably best that he change the topic of conversation.
The date ended awkwardly and I figured that was that. However, a day later he messaged me to ask me out again (!). At this point I was positive I didn’t want to date this guy. But I figured, again, what’s the harm. Maybe I judged him too harshly the first time around. I also figured that at least I might make out with him at the end of the night and I was curious to see what his kissing technique might be like.
Second date rolled around and during the date I realized that he was basically auditioning me to be his primary partner. Now here’s the thing: I couldn’t imagine that this guy was a dominant, let alone that he had several secondary partners he was regularly intimate with. So I abandoned all pretense that this was a date and started treating it like an interview.
I mean, it WAS pretty fascinating! He regularly dropped lines like:
“I’m looking for the American dream: wife, 3.5 kids, house on the hill with a white picket fence, dungeon in the basement…”
“At the last sex camp I went to I was sitting on a hill having a picnic with some folk when two naked women strolled up and said ‘she’s looking for someone to PEE on her!’ I was like ‘well, not right now but maybe later…?’
Him: “What are you up to this weekend?”
Me: “Well I’m going to dinner with a friend tomorrow, and then I have book club on Sunday! What are you doing?”
Him: “Oh I’m going to a sex party.”
I learned all about underground sex parties, the sex convention that happens every year in Providence, people who can orgasm on cue, etc. It was pretty interesting.
At the end of the date he told me he didn’t feel any chemistry and I agreed with him. Thus ended my brief foray into the world of poly dating.
Here’s how a recent email conversation on my online dating site went down:
Dude: Your smile could launch a thousand ships…
Me: Thank you for the compliment. [Remark on dude's profile]
Dude: [Responds to remark on profile], I’m curious about you…
Me: [Cute comment] [Insinuation that he should ask me out], what are you curious about?
And yes, ladies and gentlemen, that’s how The Fade is done. Where does it come from? Why does it happen? Only dudes know.
Some dude wrote the following on his dating profile:
[You should message me if] “…you haven’t been turned into too bitter and defensive a person by all of the apparent dirt-bags on this site. Seriously, the warnings some of you issue in your profiles make me think this online dating experience is really taking a toll on your psyches.”
Ugh, online dating. I hate it.
Dating Tips for Dudes:
If you’re going to wimp out and continually cancel on our dates at the last minute, at least come up with a good excuse. Texting me that you are upset after a phone call with your mom doesn’t exactly make me want to give you yet another shot. Here are some acceptable excuse alternatives:
*You fell down a manhole
*You came down with bird flu
*You had to take your roommate to the hospital
*You had to take your dog to the vet
*You were struck by amnesia and you’re not sure who I am
*You had to rescue a kitten from a tree
*You’ve been kidnapped and you’re texting me from the trunk of a car
Come on dudes, at least be a little creative when you blow me off.
How is it that I’m still single when I get guys telling me that I’m (direct quote here) “ridiculously awesome and like the hottest woman in Boston”…? Just wondering.
Dating Tips for Dudes:
If I’m checking out your profile online after we’ve started talking, it means one of a very few things:
1. I forgot what you wrote on your profile because I have a bad short term memory and I date a lot
2. I forgot that I already looked at you before and I’m [still] not interested
3. I think you’re cute and I’m showing your pictures to my friends.
If we dated and it ended badly, and you notice me checking out your profile later, it means that I’m showing your pic to my friends so if they ever see you in person they’ll know who to punch.