I started seeing my trainer regularly. I started going to a nutritionist. I ran. I gave up pizza. (Mostly). I tried to give up booze and french fries (that didn’t work quite as well). I quit my biggest trigger food (Cheez-Its) cold turkey. I stopped taking cream in my coffee. I started going to the gym. I walked. I scooped my bagels. I cooked vegetables with strange names. I did a lot of squats.
I lost 40 pounds, 2 inches off my bra band, 3 jean sizes, 4 dress sizes, and some achy knees.
I still struggle with a lot of things in my life– not only actions but feelings and emotions. I feel extremely guilty because I don’t go to the gym nearly as often as I should. It is not second nature to me to get exercise regularly. I still hate to run. I’d much prefer to sit on the couch and watch Netflix or read a book. I have flabby arms and there’s no way you’d ever see me in a bikini — at least not this summer. I drink too much. I eat a lot of bread. A lot. I still feel really overweight. When I look in the mirror I see the unhappy, heavy ‘me’ from last year. When I look at pictures I immediately focus in on my flaws. I don’t like it when people tell me how tiny I am, because part of me doesn’t believe them– yet I crave recognition of my hard work. I don’t believe guys when they tell me I look cute or hot, so I’m always assuming the guys I date are liars. I don’t pick up the appropriate clothing sizes in the dressing room because I haven’t come to grips with the fact that I am actually smaller than I used to be. I have spent a fortune on belts. Items of clothing that I’ve been saving for years as my ‘skinny outfits’ are now too big on me, because I missed the window of opportunity in which to wear them. I don’t know how to respond when people compliment me on how I look so I get awkward.
So it’s with definite mixed emotions that I looked at my scale this afternoon and saw a number I’ve heretofore only dreamed of. 40 is such a nice, round, pretty number. It seemed so unattainable last year. It’s exciting, yet scary at the same time. I always thought that life would be so much better once I got to this point. It’s not that life is better or worse… I just face different challenges now than I did before. And that’s a lesson that I am still internalizing. So I am excited. Very, very excited. I’m tired, because there is more work to do and I don’t know where this journey ends. And in all honesty, I’m a little scared. But mostly excited.