As we enter into the long dark days of winter 2015, the dating scene is not looking any better. Here’s a note I recently received. Let’s just say I wouldn’t want to meet this guy on any bridges… (I can swim I swear, but that shouldn’t be a first date condition).
Sometimes having to wade through hit or miss emails on a dating site is totally worth it:
Hello, how are you? You are a very gorgeous women. Im definitely attracted to you and I am interested in experiencing a conversation with you. . I am a musician, I write, sing, play bass and guitar to create new dimensions of metal and rock. I am a hair artist and a cosmetologist so I can provide services for you in all categories of beautification. I’m actually not straight, I’m gay… Lol No, I’m joking, I am straight, I can enjoyably experience your beauty and desire to know you beyond your physical beauty. If your enticed, message me. My name is ——- —. If you would like to converse by phone, call or text me at — — —-. I am looking forward to your response
One from the files. Last year I went on vacation and (naturally) started texting with a cute boy while away. I met him on OKC (where else) and we’d started chatting. His profile had a picture of him walking away from the camera, and when I asked him why he didn’t have a picture of his face he told me he’d experienced an unfortunate ‘stalking incident’.
Mmm ok. Weird, but not out of the realm of possibility. He texted me a couple photos and he seemed normal (looking) so I went with it.
We started making plans to meet up when I got back into town. I was excited- this guy was cute, liked talking to me, and was eager to meet in person. What could go wrong?
For SOME reason I decided to Google him before we met up. All I had was his first name and his phone number. So, naturally, I found out:
- His real name
- Where he worked
- Where he lived
- His wife’s name
- His wife’s email address
- His son’s name
- His facebook profile
Of course he was too good to be true! Why would I have expected differently? This is internet dating, after all!
There was a 1% chance that maybe he was divorced or separated, so I tested out my findings the next time we spoke.
Me: Hey, have you ever been married? Or do you have any kids?
Him: [Suspiciously long silence] No, you?
I don’t get inundated with emails from OKC guys, but I get my fair share. Most of them tend to be along the lines of the following:
they say time reveal all and heal all wounds so i wounder what a life time would reveal with you…how you doing
I can’t help but read this in the voice of Joey Tribbiani.
Guys like this are why I’m still available. Just an average scroll through OKC. Also, I think there is an animal pelt in pic #1??? Guys, no.
Just because tomorrow is a city-wide snow day doesn’t mean I’ll sleep with you. Ugh sometimes guys are the worst.
Why is it that the minute someone becomes slightly unavailable, my interest level skyrockets?
“YP” messaged me early in the year. His email stood out because he seemed to genuinely want to get to know me as a friend first, and then see if we might be (romantically) compatible later on. It is not the easiest thing in the world to make new friends at this point in my life, so I started emailing with him.
YP pulled a Fade on me. I last heard from him in February of this year. Flash forward to a few days ago, when he popped up out of the blue. Surprise, surprise.
He claimed that he got sick of the site so he never got back to me. Fair enough, except for the fact that OKC allows me to see when other users are active. So — false.
I didn’t bother to respond. Apparently one day of no response was much too long for him because I just got another email tonight: “Soooo???”
My response: “No thank you.”
Sometimes you just have to be straight with these dudes.
True story. This email is completely unedited. From “twofriends4fun”. At least they were polite…?
“Hi there…so this is totally out of the blue and I really hope I don’t offend you…we are two friends …one is 29 named A and other 34 of whom you see the pix named J…AJ recently single..he is mixed but tall dark handsome and a very good lover haha…J is a hottie as you can see…those may or nay not be our regular names haha but I hope you understand we wanna be discreet…we came to the realization that we are two sexual people and wanted to share some experiences…we’ve wanted to do a threesome with a woman for a while and are finally putting it out there..you are so pretty so I couldnt resist…we are just a normal fun couple of guys looking for a friend and maybe some good times together
I hope I didn’t offend you…last thing we want is to make online dating an awful experience for you so my apologies….you are too cute so we couldnt resist
Thanks for your time and we would love to talk but if not sorry again and best of luck🙂
A and J”
I haven’t posted one of these in a while.
So there was the time that I went out with Polyamorous Man. I actually didn’t realized he was poly when I originally messaged him, nor was I particularly interested in dating him. However, he mentioned that he was involved in blues dancing on his profile and I wanted to know more about that. So I wrote him, and he wrote back to me. One thing led to another, he asked me out, I said yes. I was pretty sure he wasn’t my type but sometimes you just need to say YES to the universe, if only to get a hilarious story!
I met up with PM at the local ice cream place on a Sunday afternoon. He walked in the door and I right away knew that my cute date outfit was going to be wasted on this guy. He wasn’t ugly, but neither did he have any sort of dynamic personality. He was just sort of blah, in a weird pasty white pudding way. He also lisped.
As the date progressed he started to make vague references to his ‘kink’ and ‘fetish lifestyle’. At this point I’d realized that he was poly. In all honesty that’s not something I’m particularly interested in. But I figured I’d roll with it and see what happened. Things got kind of awkward when he started talking about FetLife, we were suddenly surrounded by 10 screaming children covered in melted ice cream and sugar, and he stated that it was probably best that he change the topic of conversation.
The date ended awkwardly and I figured that was that. However, a day later he messaged me to ask me out again (!). At this point I was positive I didn’t want to date this guy. But I figured, again, what’s the harm. Maybe I judged him too harshly the first time around. I also figured that at least I might make out with him at the end of the night and I was curious to see what his kissing technique might be like.
Second date rolled around and during the date I realized that he was basically auditioning me to be his primary partner. Now here’s the thing: I couldn’t imagine that this guy was a dominant, let alone that he had several secondary partners he was regularly intimate with. So I abandoned all pretense that this was a date and started treating it like an interview.
I mean, it WAS pretty fascinating! He regularly dropped lines like:
“I’m looking for the American dream: wife, 3.5 kids, house on the hill with a white picket fence, dungeon in the basement…”
“At the last sex camp I went to I was sitting on a hill having a picnic with some folk when two naked women strolled up and said ‘she’s looking for someone to PEE on her!’ I was like ‘well, not right now but maybe later…?’
Him: “What are you up to this weekend?”
Me: “Well I’m going to dinner with a friend tomorrow, and then I have book club on Sunday! What are you doing?”
Him: “Oh I’m going to a sex party.”
I learned all about underground sex parties, the sex convention that happens every year in Providence, people who can orgasm on cue, etc. It was pretty interesting.
At the end of the date he told me he didn’t feel any chemistry and I agreed with him. Thus ended my brief foray into the world of poly dating.