Strike Two

Dating Tips for Dudes:

If you’re going to wimp out and continually cancel on our dates at the last minute, at least come up with a good excuse. Texting me that you are upset after a phone call with your mom doesn’t exactly make me want to give you yet another shot. Here are some acceptable excuse alternatives:

*You fell down a manhole
*You came down with bird flu
*You had to take your roommate to the hospital
*You had to take your dog to the vet
*You were struck by amnesia and you’re not sure who I am
*You had to rescue a kitten from a tree
*You’ve been kidnapped and you’re texting me from the trunk of a car

Come on dudes, at least be a little creative when you blow me off.

The Meaning of the Profile View

Dating Tips for Dudes:

If I’m checking out your profile online after we’ve started talking, it means one of a very few things:
1. I forgot what you wrote on your profile because I have a bad short term memory and I date a lot
2. I forgot that I already looked at you before and I’m [still] not interested
3. I think you’re cute and I’m showing your pictures to my friends.

If we dated and it ended badly, and you notice me checking out your profile later, it means that I’m showing your pic to my friends so if they ever see you in person they’ll know who to punch.

Learn to read

If I write in an email: ‘I prefer not to text with someone before we meet up’, what do YOU think is the correct response?
A: ‘Sounds good, let’s make plans to meet up’
B: ‘No problem, I respect your decision’
C: ‘Would you care to text?’
Or, D: ‘Would you care to text?’ [Me: ‘No.’] ‘Would you care to text?’

True Story

When I was a senior in college, I applied for a puppeteering job. [Is puppeteering even a word? Well, it is now]. I made it to second round interviews and things were going swimmingly. Until my interviewer asked me how tall I was.

I was too short to be a puppeteer.

It was heartbreaking. They wouldn’t even let me try out, wearing platform heels. Sad, sad day.

So it was with a certain mixture of feelings the other day that I realized that I was TALLER than the guy I was on a date with. I mean, for someone who’s 5’1 and 3/4 (can’t forget the 3/4) that doesn’t really happen very often. Or, at all, really. I felt gargantuan. I could look down on his head! I felt bad that I hadn’t worn flats! I felt so tall!

I think I prefer being a shorty.

Poll

So, I need to take a poll. Let me set up the context first.

This dude emailed me on my dating site, and although I wasn’t super into him I replied (I am trying to be open to the universe in a positive, non-bitter way). So I wrote back and we started chatting. During the course of our conversation, he wrote this to me (edited):

“My friend made us each come up with two silly ideas and pledge to do them. My first idea is hit someone with pies and/or get hit. Second idea is read my poetry nude.”

Next thing I know, this guy wants to meet up with me before July 10 (there’s a deadline involved here) and stand naked, reciting his poems, while I throw a pie at him.

Preferably somewhere he won’t get arrested for doing this.

Now it’s poll time. What’s your vote?
A: Go for it, it’ll be a hilarious story to tell!
B: Um no, run far far away